the day I realized i lost my glasses....

This is the time of year I dread the most....the last few weeks of class when your life becomes a crazy whirl wind mess of assignments, tests, fast food, coffee, and comfort food (in my case, cookies). This time time of year makes me afraid of what's to come. I fear each moment, until each moment passes me and I can relax a little bit.

Slowly but surely....the end will come and there will be a place to catch my breath.

So, it's in times like this that my life gets crazy. I stay up late working on projects I've been putting off, my room becomes a hopeless disaster, the dishes pile up, I watch too much tv, don't do enough work, and lastly - I lose things. This time, I realize, it's my glasses - oddly enough. My glasses, with which I view the world (or the computer screen at least) have fallen off my radar.

I've become an absent-minded nutcase.

So here I am - at 2:42 in the morning, sipping white chardonnay from my neighbour and writing on my blog when I should be finishing my assignment. That's right....I'm a nutcase....agh.

It'll all be over soon!

xo A

in the wee small hours...

It's a time of day that I cherish - the hours before the city wakes up to greet the day with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It's the quiet and the feeling tranquility that only exist before 8am. It's the only time when I can cross Dundas without thinking and walk down Bathurst without my thoughts being drown out by traffic. The air is cool and the atmosphere is peaceful.

And every Wednesday....I'm walking to meet my girl Mel for coffee. It's an early morning ritual that keeps me on track. I look forward to it - each week a new coffee shop, as well as new stories to dish about life, love and lovers. And did I mention food? There's always talk of food.

And on that note my stomach is rumbling and it's time to go and meet my Mel. Oooooooooo look at that alliteration! In the midst of this crazy week of performances, tests and assignments this morning's coffee date is a beautiful abyss (as difficult as it was to escape the warmth of my bed).

And did I mention I finally got my bike fixed? That means cool morning air against my cheeks - and beautiful rosy glow. Gotta love that.

-A xo

making change

The last few weeks have been a challenge at best, but I can see a hint of light off in the distance. Change is coming - but lord does it ever take it's time coming. It's funny how quickly you can find yourself buried without even really realizing it. I've managed to bury myself in my emotions these last few weeks. I allowed myself to let go. My room is messy, my dishes dirty, my body angry with me for over-indulging and crying for exercise, and most of all my mind is swimming in the aftermath of the storm that I found myself in.

My change will come in baby steps, but with the help of good friends and a positive frame of mind I think I can do it. I think I can, I think I can.

Here's to a new day.

Stuck

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't wish to speak - a time where there was no feeling I wish to express using words spoken with tongue, projected with my breath. My emotional response to feelings such as happiness, joy, excitment, sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion (anything really) has also come tumbling out of my mouth in a cascade of words and strung together to articulate my feelings. I'm told that it's one of my greatest gifts, my ability to express myself. Sometimes it is of great use, and other times it gets me into trouble but at the end of the day what it always does is get me through.

Strangely enough though, right now I have no words. Me. The person with all the words. The person who always has something to say and no censor for what comes out.

It's the first time that I can remember where I really just don't want to talk about it. I can't be bothered to open my mouth and spew out this emotional garbage and move on. I feel trapped inside my body with a feeling that I've never really known before - grief. There's nothing I can do about it, it's as if it's infected every cell in my body and I don't even want to move. It's disabled me, and my coping mechanisms. It's rendered me completely and utterly useless.

Useless. As in watch bad TV online useless. As in, can't bring myself to finish my arranging assignment or clean my disgusting room useless. I can't stand it but I can't shake it either. I'm stuck in the middle and I can't commit to one side or the other.