looking back...and reflecting on today.

The year is coming to an end. 

It feels like just yesterday that it was New Years Eve and we were bringing in 2009. I was embarking on a new relationship, I had just begun singing again after my hiatus in the fall and things were looking up. I was happy, blissful and totally engaged in new romance. It makes me a little sad to look back. My heart aches a bit for what could have been, what alternate state of life I may be living had I of done certain things differently. I look back at everything I did, things that I said, my view myself and wonder if I could've done better. However all actions lead to another reaction and here I am - stronger and wiser. Most all, more whole. 

Christmas this year was a challenge. Our special day was perfect except for one crucial piece was missing - our Noel. It was our first Christmas in 16 years without our dog, Noel who passed away on November 13th. It something not one of us mentioned on Christmas day, but I'm certain we all noticed. As we sat around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning all I could think about was how we were all warm inside and Noel was alone outside, buried beneath the maple tree. So my brother Steve and I went outside after everyone had gone their separate ways and took a moment to wish our beloved Noel a Merry Christmas, seeing as Christmas was always his special day. It was at Christmas 16 years ago that Noel, a stray in our neighborhood, decided to make our home, his home. He chose us to be his family - and so we were. 

I miss my Christmas Noel.

Home for the Holidays

I'm sitting at home. Not home, as in Toronto in my apartment home, but my family's home in rural southwestern Ontario where we only recently acquired a street number address, and were otherwise identified through Canada Post as "Rural Route 5".

I just finished washing the dishes after a lovely dinner with my parents and little (big) brother Steve (he towers over me at 6'4" I believe, and I swear it happened overnight). It's been a wonderful break so far - lots of sleep, eating well and exercise (I got a month pass to the gym which is only TWENTY DOLLARS for students!!!). Most of all, I've had a chance to relax and enjoy some time off. Breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the countryside.

Coming home brings me back to my roots and pulls me back down to Earth. It's feel wonderful.

Thus begins my holiday....yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

1+1+1=3

you plus you plus yu = me.

"...everything is in a constant state of flux. Thus the question is whether we accept change passively and are swept away by it or whether we take the lead and create positive changes on our own initiative."

-Daisaku Ikeda

a wee little quickie

I've got five minutes here before I have to run to school and I'm going to spend them as productively as possible! So I'm spending them here.

Today was a toughie getting out of bed. My bed was warm, inviting, lovely, and wonderful this morning. If it weren't for my 9am physio appointment I would still be fast asleep in bed on my day off! I'm torn between being grateful for the incentive to drag my butt out of bed and sad that my brain is still tired from the early morning. But alas, life goes on.

Today's topic: mix tapes and tangled hearts.

On mix tapes: they are the BEST. Music is near and dear to my heart as all of you who choose to read this know and I really believe that it's a very intimate way to connect with the people you care about because our musical tastes are deeply personal. So, sharing your music (whether you are a musician or not) with the people you care about is a wonderful thing. Right now, at this precise moment I'm listening to a mix cd I received from a dear and wonderful girl and it is beautiful, and sentimental and fun and every song on it is perfect! SO moral of the story: Mix tapes did NOT die when cassette tapes die. LIVE ON, mix tapes, LIVE ON!

On tangled hearts: Sometimes there are no definite answers, and sometimes you can't find all the answers in a single moment, or an hour, or a day, a week, a month or even a year. You just have to take it day by day sometimes, as hard as it is for an impatient person who needs answers, like me!!

Now, I'm going to in fact be late, so that is all!
cheers
A

Gypsies

Here's a poem from a book of poetry I'm reading right now by Charles Simic called The World Doesn't End.

"I was stolen by gypsies. My parents stole me right back. Then the gypsies stole me again. This went on for some time. One minute I was in the caravan suckling the dark teat of my new mother, the next I sat at a long dining room table eating my breakfast with a silver spoon.

It was the first day of spring. One of my fathers was singing in the bathtub; the other one was painting a live sparrow the colors of a tropical bird."

Thoughts?

-A

Sea Lion Woman

It's late. I should really be in bed - but for some reason I'm fighting the urge to sleep. Waiting for something to happen? I'm not sure what really.

And so on goes the music...and it's back to my roots. A little bit of Feist. I'm thinking maybe Leslie Feist can help calm down the thoughts bouncing around my head. I'm starting off with an old fav - Sea Lion Woman.

So let's take a minute and get an image going. So, you have this watch. You've had it for a while. It was a gift, you wear it all the time and though you really appreciate it for how dependable it is and how well it keeps time, it's always been practical for you. You haven't thought much of it. Then, it stops working - you need to get a new battery put in and the jeweller cleans it up for you while he's fixing it. So you get it back, shiny, new and in perfect working order. Suddenly, you see the sparkle in the shine of the watch. You see just how fine the craftsmanship is, and how unique this watch is. Your appreciation of it changes.

You see, sometimes you need a little push in the right direction and an open mind to figure things out. And most of all, sometimes, you just need to breathe and take it day by day. Sometimes, you just need a day to step back, clear your mind and then re-enter reality to be able to see it for what it is. Like my watch - didn't do it for me at first, but then I took a step back....

And suddenly, it was new and shiny.

I like it (my watch). It fits me just right.

i like my love supreme...

There is nothing I dislike more during the last few weeks of school than the erratic sleeping patterns I acquire. On nights that I'm swamped with work - it's bed after midnight, 1, 2 sometimes even 3am before I crawl into bed. To add to that, the days that I actually can go to bed in good time I find myself wide awake and filled with the need to waste time.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh, ALL i want is SLEEP! It seems so simple, but oh so complicated.

So here I am, wide awake and listening to Trane. Yes, it's back on the Jazz train for me. I've re-opened the large bag of CD's that I vowed to listen to in September but so predictably failed to do. So this it, the next one - John Coltrane's album: A Love Supreme.

[Side note, I just got the part on the first track (around about 6 mintutes) where he just starts saying "A Love Supreme" over and over again. Yes, he spoke it. So weird, but cool if you forgot the name of the album over the course of the first 5 minutes.

The vibe of this album is unlike any I've really encountered before. It's not your typical straight-ahead jazz album. Reading the liner notes, there's a poem called A Love Supreme (which clearly the album was based on) and in capital letters it reads ELATION-ELEGANCE-EXALTATION, which I'm starting to see this album embodying. It's a real emotional journey.

Speaking of journeys....it's time for me to journey to sleep. I'm fading fast.

More on this later.
peace, love and muchos happiness.

A.