Blue Train

It's bedtime, but rather than laying snug in my bed I'm sitting at my computer listening to my next disc on my list - Blue Train, a John Coltrane album. While I won't write about it tonight, I will tell you that it is most enjoyable as Trane always is.

I contemplated the title of this post for a moment before I typed it in. It's the title of the album I'm listening to right at this moment, but it is also an accurate description of my afternoon on some level. I felt blue. Not the kind of self-inflicted blue, where one wallow's in self pity and pain but the kind of blue when your heart longs for something that you simply can't have. It all started with one single pang. It hit the pit of my stomach as I opened a door to a familiar face. It startled me to experience this strange sensation when I felt so great only moments before. But it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. A few spoken words and a quick exit later, I took a long, deep breath and reset.

But the pang in my stomach grew. It crawled up into my chest where it made its home. It had been quite a while since I felt this feeling - the feeling of my heart bursting. The hurt. It surprised me a bit considering how far I've come and how great I feel. I found myself daydreaming through class. Remembering moments, touch, warmth, habits, love. As much as I hate to admit it I missed them all and wanted them all back. That's what made the pain worse, knowing that I absolutely could not have what I really long for. Just a fragment of that time back in my hands for me to hold, enjoy and retain knowing that it would be gone. That is a request that will never be granted, nor should it be. What I must indulge, however, is the feelings I feel and thoughts that cross my mind in these moments. The more I push them away, the harder it will be each time I turn a corner only to find his face before me.

Each day it will get easier and I know that. 5 weeks from now, it will still be hard but better, 5 months from now, the feelings will have lessened and 5 years from now it will just be an old photo tucked away in a box, only to be admired and remembered when I choose.

Until then I take it one day at a time. Today I'm a little blue, tomorrow I'll be enjoying the company of wonderful friends, and Sunday who knows. For now, in this moment I'm enjoying the company of Coltrane and right now that's all I need.