It seems perhaps an odd time to be writing about this but as feelings and emotions go, we generally only have so much control over where our minds wander. It's no surprise, given the sunshine and great weather that my mind has drifted to dogs. They're everywhere. Now that the temperatures have risen and the sun is shining everyone has puppy fever. You know what I'm talking about... those times that you find yourself catching private moments with them when their owners aren't looking - talking in baby talking, ruffling their ears. You secretly wish you had a dog yourself, but you settle for living vicariously through those around you. 


But why wouldn't you want a dog? They are quite possibly the greatest animals, ever. Period. 


I not-so-secretly wish for one. I find myself day-dreaming about having a dog and then suddenly snapping back to the reality that I can't even keep a cactus alive, let alone a living breathing animal. 


I used to get my pet dosage when I went home for vacations and holidays. My family had a dog, Noel, for 16 years. He was remarkable. Everything I could ask for in a dog. He was a great listener, and he was a wonderful pillow to rest my head when the tears came as a result of the latest boy who crushed my heart. He was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Every time I see a border collie I think of him. I long for him. In my 13 years of school at home, Noel walked faithfully down the lane with me nearly every one of those days. He'd wait patiently until we boarded the school bus, watch it pull away, then saunter back down the lane to hang out with Mom for the day. He wrestled snakes, perused the bush at the back of the field, basked in sunshine. He loved the country - he was made for it. In the winter he'd make himself a little nook in the snowbank by the front door and curl up into the tiniest ball. 


He was beautiful. And now he's gone. 


He's been gone since the fall and every now and again I think of that day and I feel a little tug at my heart and a pit in my stomach. It feels a little hard to breath but then I remember the love and how love is hard, and love is painful but in the end love carries us all through. 


And I love him very much.

Beans, Beans they're good for your heart....

The more you eat..... haha, well you know the rest.

Beans - they are my passion these days. While I do love them fresh, I also adore them canned. Quick, easy. Take black beans for instance - fry up some onions, some garlic, a bit of spinach, a yam or two, salt, pepper, black beans et voila! Instant success. 

While I could talk all day about the wonderful little mystery meals my roommate and I cook up each day, what I really want to impart with you is where to get the goods. It's all about price here. Until recently, I didn't think it possible to find canned beans for less than a dollar, HOWEVER, The Spice House in Kensington Market sells their beans for .89 cents - HOLY POOP! Best deal. Ever. 

So my friends, the moral of the story is, don't buy overpriced beans....that way you can enjoy more beans and you know what that means..... ;)

Baby, it's been a while...

It's a dreary, grey Sunday morning in Toronto. When I peak out the window I see the occasional snowflake wander by, but that's okay. While it may be dreary in appearance, it is most certainly not dreary in my heart. It's the perfect day for an early morning walk in the crisp, cool air.


I absolutely loved the warm sunshine we were blessed with these last two weeks, but this is a welcome change for the time being. Instead of making me think of all the other things I wish I was doing, it's the kind of day that relaxes my brain and refreshes my mind in all the chaos of school and music and the big band chart that I'm procrastinating.....


Procrastinating - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
But I don't call this procrastinating. This is taking care of business which is taking care of my mind and heart and taking a little timeout to let the transition of the last section of the tune I'm writing settle a bit in my brain. A quick break before I finish what I started.


So I sit here in a beat up old, comfy chair, in a comfy little cafe sipping my Chai Latte in its little handmade cozy. The arms are worm and the seat sinks a little on one side but that's what makes it so endearing. The Chai Latte reminds me of Miss Yu and leaves me looking forward to this Wednesday. Our Wednesdays that keep my weeks moving and heart singing.


Here's to a fresh week and getting back on this writing wagon. 


It's been a while...
xo

My cheeks hurt. 

They hurt. The muscles surrounding my mouth, chin and cheeks are physically ailing me. It's not because I got my wisdom teeth out, or I got socked a good one in the jaw, or because I'm stressed out - it's because I'm happy. I'm so happy that for the last month, I've laughed so much and smiled so hard that my face hurts. 

It hurts soooo good. Life is good.

Happy

It's time make a happiness tally - these are the things that complete me these days:

-listening to music I love

-Laughing a lot, REALLY hard

-singing (but mostly shouting) Disney songs

-cooking delicious, nutricious food

-running my heart out

-reuniting with friends who've been far away

-early morning girl chats over warm bevys

-painting my nails red

-dancing really, really hard, and reeeeeeeeeeeally crazy

-strange and unusual gifts (ie: mushrooms)

-MOST of all, the really special, wonderful people I can call my friends :)

I feel like a very lucky girl.

But Not For Me

"They're singing songs of love, but not for me..."

I sing this lyric to myself occasionally, but I'm starting to realize it's not true.

In some strange way, I think there is always a song of love each of us playing at all times.... we just don't always hear it.You just gotta keep your ears open.

Red

There is something about wearing red that is just so sexy. Whether it's a shirt, a dress, a hat, shoes or lipstick. Red is dynamic and mysterious. In my case I'm wearing red on my nails. I painted them last night and they make me feel great... :)

on late nights....

So it's late. I know that this may not be the best time to post (after 3 beers and some good laughs) and maybe it isn't....or maybe it is? Sometimes alcoholic beverages can make us more honest. They can help us to see clearly the things that seem so complicated when the lights are bright and our minds are concerned with pleasing others and the social norms.

So here it is. The story of a girl.

Sarah. Sometimes she missed her prince, Daniel, but most of the time she's okay. He swooped in, saved her when she was tumbling down the hill and picked her up and held her. He showered her in sunlight and dried all the rain. He brought her yellow tulips and wrote her notes of love. He held her as she cried, and laughed along with her when she laughed. However, today she missed him and it is all because of the reminder. A little birdy that placed his name so half-hazardly in her ear. "Daniel". As if to remind her of her already regrettable failures. The birdy tugged at her regret and brought her to her knees.

"Daniel."

Sarah paused.

Though time had passed and many wounds had healed she paused at the name, unsure of what to say.

"I don't have anything bad to say about him - he was a good guy. That's all."

And that's all she said. She left it at that. And though her heart hurt for a moment for all the moments they had spent together, she trusted that it would go away. Eventually the feeling would be lost and the moment would be hers again and all would be well.

And it was. But Sarah still remembers. She will always remember.

looking back...and reflecting on today.

The year is coming to an end. 

It feels like just yesterday that it was New Years Eve and we were bringing in 2009. I was embarking on a new relationship, I had just begun singing again after my hiatus in the fall and things were looking up. I was happy, blissful and totally engaged in new romance. It makes me a little sad to look back. My heart aches a bit for what could have been, what alternate state of life I may be living had I of done certain things differently. I look back at everything I did, things that I said, my view myself and wonder if I could've done better. However all actions lead to another reaction and here I am - stronger and wiser. Most all, more whole. 

Christmas this year was a challenge. Our special day was perfect except for one crucial piece was missing - our Noel. It was our first Christmas in 16 years without our dog, Noel who passed away on November 13th. It something not one of us mentioned on Christmas day, but I'm certain we all noticed. As we sat around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning all I could think about was how we were all warm inside and Noel was alone outside, buried beneath the maple tree. So my brother Steve and I went outside after everyone had gone their separate ways and took a moment to wish our beloved Noel a Merry Christmas, seeing as Christmas was always his special day. It was at Christmas 16 years ago that Noel, a stray in our neighborhood, decided to make our home, his home. He chose us to be his family - and so we were. 

I miss my Christmas Noel.

Home for the Holidays

I'm sitting at home. Not home, as in Toronto in my apartment home, but my family's home in rural southwestern Ontario where we only recently acquired a street number address, and were otherwise identified through Canada Post as "Rural Route 5".

I just finished washing the dishes after a lovely dinner with my parents and little (big) brother Steve (he towers over me at 6'4" I believe, and I swear it happened overnight). It's been a wonderful break so far - lots of sleep, eating well and exercise (I got a month pass to the gym which is only TWENTY DOLLARS for students!!!). Most of all, I've had a chance to relax and enjoy some time off. Breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the countryside.

Coming home brings me back to my roots and pulls me back down to Earth. It's feel wonderful.

Thus begins my holiday....yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

1+1+1=3

you plus you plus yu = me.

"...everything is in a constant state of flux. Thus the question is whether we accept change passively and are swept away by it or whether we take the lead and create positive changes on our own initiative."

-Daisaku Ikeda

a wee little quickie

I've got five minutes here before I have to run to school and I'm going to spend them as productively as possible! So I'm spending them here.

Today was a toughie getting out of bed. My bed was warm, inviting, lovely, and wonderful this morning. If it weren't for my 9am physio appointment I would still be fast asleep in bed on my day off! I'm torn between being grateful for the incentive to drag my butt out of bed and sad that my brain is still tired from the early morning. But alas, life goes on.

Today's topic: mix tapes and tangled hearts.

On mix tapes: they are the BEST. Music is near and dear to my heart as all of you who choose to read this know and I really believe that it's a very intimate way to connect with the people you care about because our musical tastes are deeply personal. So, sharing your music (whether you are a musician or not) with the people you care about is a wonderful thing. Right now, at this precise moment I'm listening to a mix cd I received from a dear and wonderful girl and it is beautiful, and sentimental and fun and every song on it is perfect! SO moral of the story: Mix tapes did NOT die when cassette tapes die. LIVE ON, mix tapes, LIVE ON!

On tangled hearts: Sometimes there are no definite answers, and sometimes you can't find all the answers in a single moment, or an hour, or a day, a week, a month or even a year. You just have to take it day by day sometimes, as hard as it is for an impatient person who needs answers, like me!!

Now, I'm going to in fact be late, so that is all!
cheers
A

Gypsies

Here's a poem from a book of poetry I'm reading right now by Charles Simic called The World Doesn't End.

"I was stolen by gypsies. My parents stole me right back. Then the gypsies stole me again. This went on for some time. One minute I was in the caravan suckling the dark teat of my new mother, the next I sat at a long dining room table eating my breakfast with a silver spoon.

It was the first day of spring. One of my fathers was singing in the bathtub; the other one was painting a live sparrow the colors of a tropical bird."

Thoughts?

-A

Sea Lion Woman

It's late. I should really be in bed - but for some reason I'm fighting the urge to sleep. Waiting for something to happen? I'm not sure what really.

And so on goes the music...and it's back to my roots. A little bit of Feist. I'm thinking maybe Leslie Feist can help calm down the thoughts bouncing around my head. I'm starting off with an old fav - Sea Lion Woman.

So let's take a minute and get an image going. So, you have this watch. You've had it for a while. It was a gift, you wear it all the time and though you really appreciate it for how dependable it is and how well it keeps time, it's always been practical for you. You haven't thought much of it. Then, it stops working - you need to get a new battery put in and the jeweller cleans it up for you while he's fixing it. So you get it back, shiny, new and in perfect working order. Suddenly, you see the sparkle in the shine of the watch. You see just how fine the craftsmanship is, and how unique this watch is. Your appreciation of it changes.

You see, sometimes you need a little push in the right direction and an open mind to figure things out. And most of all, sometimes, you just need to breathe and take it day by day. Sometimes, you just need a day to step back, clear your mind and then re-enter reality to be able to see it for what it is. Like my watch - didn't do it for me at first, but then I took a step back....

And suddenly, it was new and shiny.

I like it (my watch). It fits me just right.

i like my love supreme...

There is nothing I dislike more during the last few weeks of school than the erratic sleeping patterns I acquire. On nights that I'm swamped with work - it's bed after midnight, 1, 2 sometimes even 3am before I crawl into bed. To add to that, the days that I actually can go to bed in good time I find myself wide awake and filled with the need to waste time.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh, ALL i want is SLEEP! It seems so simple, but oh so complicated.

So here I am, wide awake and listening to Trane. Yes, it's back on the Jazz train for me. I've re-opened the large bag of CD's that I vowed to listen to in September but so predictably failed to do. So this it, the next one - John Coltrane's album: A Love Supreme.

[Side note, I just got the part on the first track (around about 6 mintutes) where he just starts saying "A Love Supreme" over and over again. Yes, he spoke it. So weird, but cool if you forgot the name of the album over the course of the first 5 minutes.

The vibe of this album is unlike any I've really encountered before. It's not your typical straight-ahead jazz album. Reading the liner notes, there's a poem called A Love Supreme (which clearly the album was based on) and in capital letters it reads ELATION-ELEGANCE-EXALTATION, which I'm starting to see this album embodying. It's a real emotional journey.

Speaking of journeys....it's time for me to journey to sleep. I'm fading fast.

More on this later.
peace, love and muchos happiness.

A.

the day I realized i lost my glasses....

This is the time of year I dread the most....the last few weeks of class when your life becomes a crazy whirl wind mess of assignments, tests, fast food, coffee, and comfort food (in my case, cookies). This time time of year makes me afraid of what's to come. I fear each moment, until each moment passes me and I can relax a little bit.

Slowly but surely....the end will come and there will be a place to catch my breath.

So, it's in times like this that my life gets crazy. I stay up late working on projects I've been putting off, my room becomes a hopeless disaster, the dishes pile up, I watch too much tv, don't do enough work, and lastly - I lose things. This time, I realize, it's my glasses - oddly enough. My glasses, with which I view the world (or the computer screen at least) have fallen off my radar.

I've become an absent-minded nutcase.

So here I am - at 2:42 in the morning, sipping white chardonnay from my neighbour and writing on my blog when I should be finishing my assignment. That's right....I'm a nutcase....agh.

It'll all be over soon!

xo A

in the wee small hours...

It's a time of day that I cherish - the hours before the city wakes up to greet the day with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It's the quiet and the feeling tranquility that only exist before 8am. It's the only time when I can cross Dundas without thinking and walk down Bathurst without my thoughts being drown out by traffic. The air is cool and the atmosphere is peaceful.

And every Wednesday....I'm walking to meet my girl Mel for coffee. It's an early morning ritual that keeps me on track. I look forward to it - each week a new coffee shop, as well as new stories to dish about life, love and lovers. And did I mention food? There's always talk of food.

And on that note my stomach is rumbling and it's time to go and meet my Mel. Oooooooooo look at that alliteration! In the midst of this crazy week of performances, tests and assignments this morning's coffee date is a beautiful abyss (as difficult as it was to escape the warmth of my bed).

And did I mention I finally got my bike fixed? That means cool morning air against my cheeks - and beautiful rosy glow. Gotta love that.

-A xo

making change

The last few weeks have been a challenge at best, but I can see a hint of light off in the distance. Change is coming - but lord does it ever take it's time coming. It's funny how quickly you can find yourself buried without even really realizing it. I've managed to bury myself in my emotions these last few weeks. I allowed myself to let go. My room is messy, my dishes dirty, my body angry with me for over-indulging and crying for exercise, and most of all my mind is swimming in the aftermath of the storm that I found myself in.

My change will come in baby steps, but with the help of good friends and a positive frame of mind I think I can do it. I think I can, I think I can.

Here's to a new day.

Stuck

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't wish to speak - a time where there was no feeling I wish to express using words spoken with tongue, projected with my breath. My emotional response to feelings such as happiness, joy, excitment, sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion (anything really) has also come tumbling out of my mouth in a cascade of words and strung together to articulate my feelings. I'm told that it's one of my greatest gifts, my ability to express myself. Sometimes it is of great use, and other times it gets me into trouble but at the end of the day what it always does is get me through.

Strangely enough though, right now I have no words. Me. The person with all the words. The person who always has something to say and no censor for what comes out.

It's the first time that I can remember where I really just don't want to talk about it. I can't be bothered to open my mouth and spew out this emotional garbage and move on. I feel trapped inside my body with a feeling that I've never really known before - grief. There's nothing I can do about it, it's as if it's infected every cell in my body and I don't even want to move. It's disabled me, and my coping mechanisms. It's rendered me completely and utterly useless.

Useless. As in watch bad TV online useless. As in, can't bring myself to finish my arranging assignment or clean my disgusting room useless. I can't stand it but I can't shake it either. I'm stuck in the middle and I can't commit to one side or the other.