Gypsies

Here's a poem from a book of poetry I'm reading right now by Charles Simic called The World Doesn't End.

"I was stolen by gypsies. My parents stole me right back. Then the gypsies stole me again. This went on for some time. One minute I was in the caravan suckling the dark teat of my new mother, the next I sat at a long dining room table eating my breakfast with a silver spoon.

It was the first day of spring. One of my fathers was singing in the bathtub; the other one was painting a live sparrow the colors of a tropical bird."

Thoughts?

-A

Sea Lion Woman

It's late. I should really be in bed - but for some reason I'm fighting the urge to sleep. Waiting for something to happen? I'm not sure what really.

And so on goes the music...and it's back to my roots. A little bit of Feist. I'm thinking maybe Leslie Feist can help calm down the thoughts bouncing around my head. I'm starting off with an old fav - Sea Lion Woman.

So let's take a minute and get an image going. So, you have this watch. You've had it for a while. It was a gift, you wear it all the time and though you really appreciate it for how dependable it is and how well it keeps time, it's always been practical for you. You haven't thought much of it. Then, it stops working - you need to get a new battery put in and the jeweller cleans it up for you while he's fixing it. So you get it back, shiny, new and in perfect working order. Suddenly, you see the sparkle in the shine of the watch. You see just how fine the craftsmanship is, and how unique this watch is. Your appreciation of it changes.

You see, sometimes you need a little push in the right direction and an open mind to figure things out. And most of all, sometimes, you just need to breathe and take it day by day. Sometimes, you just need a day to step back, clear your mind and then re-enter reality to be able to see it for what it is. Like my watch - didn't do it for me at first, but then I took a step back....

And suddenly, it was new and shiny.

I like it (my watch). It fits me just right.

i like my love supreme...

There is nothing I dislike more during the last few weeks of school than the erratic sleeping patterns I acquire. On nights that I'm swamped with work - it's bed after midnight, 1, 2 sometimes even 3am before I crawl into bed. To add to that, the days that I actually can go to bed in good time I find myself wide awake and filled with the need to waste time.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh, ALL i want is SLEEP! It seems so simple, but oh so complicated.

So here I am, wide awake and listening to Trane. Yes, it's back on the Jazz train for me. I've re-opened the large bag of CD's that I vowed to listen to in September but so predictably failed to do. So this it, the next one - John Coltrane's album: A Love Supreme.

[Side note, I just got the part on the first track (around about 6 mintutes) where he just starts saying "A Love Supreme" over and over again. Yes, he spoke it. So weird, but cool if you forgot the name of the album over the course of the first 5 minutes.

The vibe of this album is unlike any I've really encountered before. It's not your typical straight-ahead jazz album. Reading the liner notes, there's a poem called A Love Supreme (which clearly the album was based on) and in capital letters it reads ELATION-ELEGANCE-EXALTATION, which I'm starting to see this album embodying. It's a real emotional journey.

Speaking of journeys....it's time for me to journey to sleep. I'm fading fast.

More on this later.
peace, love and muchos happiness.

A.

the day I realized i lost my glasses....

This is the time of year I dread the most....the last few weeks of class when your life becomes a crazy whirl wind mess of assignments, tests, fast food, coffee, and comfort food (in my case, cookies). This time time of year makes me afraid of what's to come. I fear each moment, until each moment passes me and I can relax a little bit.

Slowly but surely....the end will come and there will be a place to catch my breath.

So, it's in times like this that my life gets crazy. I stay up late working on projects I've been putting off, my room becomes a hopeless disaster, the dishes pile up, I watch too much tv, don't do enough work, and lastly - I lose things. This time, I realize, it's my glasses - oddly enough. My glasses, with which I view the world (or the computer screen at least) have fallen off my radar.

I've become an absent-minded nutcase.

So here I am - at 2:42 in the morning, sipping white chardonnay from my neighbour and writing on my blog when I should be finishing my assignment. That's right....I'm a nutcase....agh.

It'll all be over soon!

xo A

in the wee small hours...

It's a time of day that I cherish - the hours before the city wakes up to greet the day with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It's the quiet and the feeling tranquility that only exist before 8am. It's the only time when I can cross Dundas without thinking and walk down Bathurst without my thoughts being drown out by traffic. The air is cool and the atmosphere is peaceful.

And every Wednesday....I'm walking to meet my girl Mel for coffee. It's an early morning ritual that keeps me on track. I look forward to it - each week a new coffee shop, as well as new stories to dish about life, love and lovers. And did I mention food? There's always talk of food.

And on that note my stomach is rumbling and it's time to go and meet my Mel. Oooooooooo look at that alliteration! In the midst of this crazy week of performances, tests and assignments this morning's coffee date is a beautiful abyss (as difficult as it was to escape the warmth of my bed).

And did I mention I finally got my bike fixed? That means cool morning air against my cheeks - and beautiful rosy glow. Gotta love that.

-A xo

making change

The last few weeks have been a challenge at best, but I can see a hint of light off in the distance. Change is coming - but lord does it ever take it's time coming. It's funny how quickly you can find yourself buried without even really realizing it. I've managed to bury myself in my emotions these last few weeks. I allowed myself to let go. My room is messy, my dishes dirty, my body angry with me for over-indulging and crying for exercise, and most of all my mind is swimming in the aftermath of the storm that I found myself in.

My change will come in baby steps, but with the help of good friends and a positive frame of mind I think I can do it. I think I can, I think I can.

Here's to a new day.

Stuck

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't wish to speak - a time where there was no feeling I wish to express using words spoken with tongue, projected with my breath. My emotional response to feelings such as happiness, joy, excitment, sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion (anything really) has also come tumbling out of my mouth in a cascade of words and strung together to articulate my feelings. I'm told that it's one of my greatest gifts, my ability to express myself. Sometimes it is of great use, and other times it gets me into trouble but at the end of the day what it always does is get me through.

Strangely enough though, right now I have no words. Me. The person with all the words. The person who always has something to say and no censor for what comes out.

It's the first time that I can remember where I really just don't want to talk about it. I can't be bothered to open my mouth and spew out this emotional garbage and move on. I feel trapped inside my body with a feeling that I've never really known before - grief. There's nothing I can do about it, it's as if it's infected every cell in my body and I don't even want to move. It's disabled me, and my coping mechanisms. It's rendered me completely and utterly useless.

Useless. As in watch bad TV online useless. As in, can't bring myself to finish my arranging assignment or clean my disgusting room useless. I can't stand it but I can't shake it either. I'm stuck in the middle and I can't commit to one side or the other.